A Pocket Guide to Being Single
This, like everything else I write, is a love letter to my friends
I had planned to publish my next newsletter on how I’m grappling with something I have dubbed the “Trendy/Hatred Paradigm.” I’ll soon be moving to an area of London which I love, though the neighbourhood is largely inhabited by people I viscerally detest.
I had planned to examine the denial I am so clearly in, which enables me to separate myself from the frauds living in certain pockets North of the River - despite enjoying a life which looks and feels extremely similar to theirs. The core argument of the essay is basically “you hate them because you hate yourself.”
I’ve decided to go on a detour. A not-so-insignificant number of my friends are all currently heartbroken and dealing with breakups. I don’t what’s in the waters or how/why it’s worked out as such. These things all tend to amass at similar times for one reason or another. We appear to be at that painful intersection in life whereby the decisions we make today feel as if they have the potential to drastically shape the formation of our next decade. People are starting to feel restless and panicked, and so heartbreak has followed.
Instead of publishing a piece about my own insecurities and how much I detest the overrepresentation of a specific type of person in London, I’ve decided to put together a little guide on some of the things I’ve learned on being single and actively dating as an adult.
This newsletter is aimed at soothing some of the fears and panic that a handful of my nearest and dearest are perhaps feeling right now.
As the self-titled Patron Saint of women who believe that being single is great, you just have to figure out how you want to do it, it’s my duty to bestow some of the wisdom I’ve amassed in recent years to those with less recent experience.
To my friends who are currently suffering: while it may not feel like it, there is a whole bunch of good that will come right round the corner, this I am certain of. Worst case scenario, you do what I’ve done and turn going on a few miserable dates into comedic fodder for your mates.
You do not need the Apps
Look, each to one’s own. If you are a dating apps person - and I know many who are - then great! Wonderful! Use them to your heart’s content. I convinced myself I was an apps person during COVID, mainly out of boredom and my own bout of heartbreak, and after a couple years of a systemic cycle of download-delete-get depressed, I decided some time early last year enough was enough.
It’s really easy to convince yourself that being single in today’s internet poisoned world means having to muster the strength to start another mind numbing conversation on Hinge - but you don’t have to! I am living proof of this (shoutout the now infamous “Hot Girl Summer Sans Apps” I had last year and made a point of telling everyone about).
There are 8 million people in London. Let’s say, only 2% of whom are shaggable, that’s still 160,000 in this city that you could fancy that you’re just walking past or sitting next to, all the time! There are new people quite literally everywhere. You just have to get a bit creative and brave about seeing that in your day to day environment.
Most people are a bit fucked in the head
I mean this one goes without saying, but I feel like it’s worth an added emphasis. Avoid falling into the trap of uncompromisingly believing the Instagram-psychology wormholes, which reduce the complexity of human depth and emotion into stuff like “if he liked you, then he’d call.” I mean, yeah - maybe! Sometimes it is that simple.
Particularly as we all get older and simultaneously wiser/more useless, I would challenge anything that simplifies our romantic interactions into one dimensional yes/no, in/out style formations. Reducing your willingness to accept that there is just a lot of grey and confusion and mess, will likely make things more tricky than needs be. There is a huge fucking spectrum to how you could like someone, and it’ll manifest in new ways with each person you become involved with.
Try and treat people with compassion even if you don’t want to. Most of the time, if someone fucks up, it’s not because they’re rotten to the core, but perhaps more so because they can’t really cope with life. That’s not to say there aren’t A LOT of dickheads out there, there are. Maintain your standards and boundaries around how you think you should be treated, but also keep space to remember that we all make mistakes.
Pay attention to whether or not your crazy-train is leaving the station
Ok maybe this one is more self-directed than anything else, but I think it’s still useful to note. If you also have a tendency to become consumed by the excitement of new things/people, and have a habit of getting a bit obsessive and manic to the point that some radio silence on WhatsApp will ruin your day, then take heed.
Something something emotional unavailability, dopamine/serotonin - I don’t know which one. I’m not a doctor or a clinical psychologist, but you know what I’m getting at.
You should obviously get excited about the person you’re seeing, but if you start finding yourself fixating on that person in a way that doesn’t quite fit the context ie. only a couple dates in, you weren’t so sure about them at the start etc., it’s perhaps worth asking yourself what it is you like about them and why.
Inconsistency is highly addictive and it does bad things to your brain, self-esteem and your friends will roll their eyes into oblivion the next time you bring up another emotionally unavailable person that you “just had such a great connection with” six months ago.
Attraction can change over time
This isn’t necessarily controversial, but - you can’t always immediately tell if you fancy someone or not. I used to say I could determine if I’m attracted to somebody within the space of about 2 minutes of first meeting them, and for a while, I really believed that. I don’t know if it’s because I was younger, more shallow or just had less experience, but in hindsight, it was a hollow way of approaching meeting new people. I didn’t have much patience because I thought “if I’m not feeling it from the get go then what is the point.”
As time has passed, I have learned that you can find someone intriguing one minute, and the next, want to know as much about them as possible. There might be someone who you would consider amusing, and before you know it - they’re one of the funniest people you know. Attraction isn’t static. It shifts all the time and you can’t really predict where it’ll go, or how quickly. If someone piques your interest but you’re unsure how/why, then don’t shy away from giving it a go.
Something I’ve had to learn, is that most people don’t operate as extroverts who arrive to every conversation with a very strong sense of “this is who I am, and I am going to be very direct about it.” Allow for others to have a different approach to showing you who they are.
Figure out if you’re actually friends with your ex/s before treating them as such
Ok this one might be entirely too specific to my own experience.
There will be times where you feel horrendous and sad and like you need the safety of those who know you best, and this may lead you into the untouched message chain with your ex. I would like to say “I know loads of people who are friends with their exes”, but I would be lying. There is a difference between being friends and being friendly. Lots of people are friendly with exes, but actual “hang out on occasion, no weirdness or pain” type-friendship between exes is rare.
Figure out exactly what type of friendliness it is you have with your ex before considering bringing them into the fold of your life again - otherwise you could end up where I did.
Last year, (as we all know) was a tough time for various reasons and I thought one of the ways I could remedy the pain I was in, was by visiting the person I thought knew me better than anyone else. I had always smugly asserted “I’m friends with my ex!” anytime the topic was mentioned.
Suffice to say, after a really miscalculated trip to Switzerland, two awkward evenings, a lot of literal cat scratches and a trip to see Hermanos Gutierrez, I came to realise we were not friends. We didn’t know who the other person was anymore, and that realisation was more painful than the initial struggles I had been facing.
I could go on, and on.. and on, but for now I will leave with this: being single is the most fun I’ve ever had. Yes it is shit and hard and there will be a lot that makes you regret going through it, but it’s an ultimately uplifting experience so long as you remain curious and open to the joys of how strange we all are and our ever changing selves.
❤️❤️❤️